My baseball fantasy

Gene Steinmeyer

Rip Van Winkle slept for many years, waking up to a new world. If you wake up from a very long nap, find yourself sitting against a tree, discover you have a very long beard (if you are a male), tattered 1980s clothing and a rusty transistor radio by your side, let me fill you in on what you’ve missed. They now have fantasy football.

If you suffered the same fate as Rip Van Winkle, you need to know that every fan of NFL football gathers just before the season begins. You can act as a general manager and pick your own players from any team in the National Football League.

You can follow your team with a laptop computer, even though your players are spread out over as many as 15 or so teams. If you have been asleep since the 1980s, a laptop computer allows you to get second-by-second updates on your team’s progress.

That’s not much news for anyone not named Rip Van Winkle. Fantasy football has led to an unbelievable amount of interest in the NFL. Some states are even passing bills just to determine if playing fantasy football is a legal gambling exercise.

I play fantasy football. For two years, my son, Sam and I, shared a team. Last year he fired me as his assistant general manager. I guess I was holding him back. We decided to both draft teams and competed against each other. Sam and I split the games head-to-head and finished tied in the standings. Maybe I wasn’t as big of anchor as he thought.

I just do fantasy football to have a common activity with my teenage son. I really don’t live or die each Sunday on the results. I do have to admit I am mildly interested in how my players are doing.

It would be a real fantasy to me if I invented my own version of fantasy baseball. I’m not talking about drafts and putting money on the line, but a real fantasy.

My baseball fantasy is to be an usher for the Kansas City Royals. I know being an usher doesn’t sound like much of a fantasy, but wait until you hear what I have in mind. It isn’t something I could do immediately, but I think I’m perfect for the job. Everyone has some kind of fantasy job and I’ve done a lot of thinking about this one.

Up until this year, Sam and I had a string of three consecutive trips to spring training. I think that my fantasy baseball job would have to start in Surprise, Arizona, the home of the spring training of the Royals and the Texas Rangers. They share a facility.

I sure I would make a great clubhouse guy. I could help them pack all their equipment in Kansas City and ride with it all the way down to Arizona. If they wouldn’t let me ride along, I think I would jump on old Route 66 somewhere near Oklahoma City and follow it as close to Surprise as I could get.

Following Route 66 from Chicago to California is another fantasy for another day, but maybe I could combine the two. It would be just like Tod and Buz from the old television show, driving their Chevrolet Corvette and picking up odd jobs along the way.

When the team breaks camp and heads north for the season, I would love to be part of the ground’s crew. Even at my advanced age, I can still handle a rake with the best of them. I did notice, however, that most of the ground’s crew is 30 years old or younger. I don’t fit that age bracket.

I wouldn’t mind being an usher at the games in Kansas City. I considered being a parking attendant but rejected the idea because of a friend of mine. His name is Harvey Randall and he is a great basketball referee that still works games at Northwest. He also parks cars at the stadium. I noticed he always gets into the games late and has to leave early. That’s not good.

Sam, my grandson, Jacob, and I went to the Saturday Royals game. It’s just my observation but I know I could be a much better usher that the one in our section. You might say the woman had a real sour disposition. I was in the upper deck and she still wanted to check my tickets. I had my eye on her the entire game, picking up tips for future employment. If I wasn’t more pleasant than her, just stick me in a concession stand.

I’ve had a lot of experience with working with people. I have to admit, I even had some experience dealing with drunks. Drunks seem to be a problem for ushers. I’d have my section chanting my name in appreciation.

Lodging would be great. I would buy one of those little hump back trailers and tow it to the employee lot. If they wouldn’t let me keep it there overnight, I’d find a friendly little spot I could plug into a camp ground’s electricity.

I don’t even care much about the luxuries of home as long as I had my DirecTV satellite dish and the MLB Baseball Package. Get me a comfortable lawn chair and a big screen television. I would create an outdoor theater every night at the campground. Now there’s a fantasy.