I don’t hate Christian Laettner

Gene Steinmeyer

Did you see ESPN’s documentary 30 for 30, I Hate Christian Laettner? Hate is a strong word, but after the 30 for 30, I think even Laettner is embracing the concept. A few of the commercials Laettner and some of his basketball buddies made exclusively for The Road to the Final Four make him seem unlikeable. Personally, I think Kentucky fans are even more unlikeable.

Even though basketball in March is made for the basketball junkies like my son, Sam and me, I have a few “hates” about this three-week grind. None of them are about Christian Laettner.

The biggest “hate” is timeouts. Did you realize with all the media timeouts, a game can have 12 game stoppages per team, when that number is doubled there are 24 different times in a basketball game that can be used for Christian Laettner commercials? No wonder no one likes him.

It really isn’t the timeouts I hate but the reasons you can use to call them. One rule difference between international basketball and American basketball is how you can call a timeout. International rules force timeouts to be ordered at the score table. When your team has possession of the ball, the horn sounds announcing the ordered timeout.

It’s a little like ordering a timeout at a Sonic Drive-In. Of course, in American basketball, a coach or player can call a timeout any time they want as long as they haven’t used up their allotment. What’s wrong with that? Why does international basketball have it right?

It’s the timing of the timeouts. For instance, if there’s a loose ball and a player barely gains control of the basketball and screams, “Timeout!” it’s almost always granted. Often, the timeout is called by an official that’s not even close to the scramble. I hate that. Let the scramble sort itself out.

Likewise, during an inbounds throw-in, the defensive team is playing great and a five-second count looks inevitable, the inbounder can just call a timeout. Also, the coach can yell timeout if he doubts his team’s ability to get the ball inbounds within the five seconds. It punishes a team for playing great defense.

As long as we are torturing the defense, let an offensive player do something stupid like dribble into a corner and get double-teamed by the defense. Will the offensive player throw it away? Will the defense force a five-second held ball? No! The offensive player, whose stupidity got himself in trouble simply yells, “Timeout.” That’s how easy it is to screw the defense.

My first thought is to go to the international rule. However, no American basketball rule-maker worth his salt will admit other countries have a better idea than the Red, White and Blue. Here’s an idea; make up an American rule to solve the problem.

C’mon rule-makers, think hard. You already have a rule you can’t jump out of bounds, gain control of the ball and call timeout. Extend it so you can’t call a timeout to get out of any type of trouble. Then the American basketball geniuses can have their own unique rule.

My next “hate” can’t be solved by a rule change. I hate the pick and roll. There are very few men’s or women’s players smart enough to read the pick and roll correctly. Almost every team runs the pick and roll, from junior high to the pros.

I read somewhere a point guard has to make over 200 decisions in a 32-minute high school game. If you force that point guard to make decisions using the pick and roll, the number of decisions grows significantly.

I have trouble deciding whether I should buy a butterscotch or peanut butter shake. I can’t imagine a high school boy or girl making decisions the pick and roll forces. There are at least five choices for the dribbler. It’s not like picking a song from a juke box. The decision has to be made immediately and the chance of making a correct decision is small.

The dribbler can drive to the basket, step behind the screen for a long shot, pass to the screener who is rolling to the basket, pass to the screener who has stepped back, force the help defense to react … you get the idea. The person setting the screen also has about as many choices. In probability class, I learned that’s 25 different combinations to choose from.

If it’s so tough, why do so many coaches use the pick and roll offense? It’s like when long basketball shorts became popular. If it’s works for LeBron James, everyone copies it. In my 28 years of coaching, I had one point guard and one post player I trusted to run the pick and roll. There are very few LeBron James.

My last Final Four “hate” is simple. I hate some of the commercials we see over and over and over again. Part of it is because a game has 24 timeouts and a 15-minute halftime. You can sell a lot of car insurance with all those breaks. I won’t mention which ones, but there are a few fast food chains I’ll never visit again.

I guess some of the commercials serve the public good. Any single man or woman that watches as much basketball in March as my son, Sam, and I do might need the services of E-Harmony when April finally does arrive.

Did I mention I hate bracket contests, too?