Bang for your buck

Gene Steinmeyer

My 15-year-old son, Sam, and I sat down at 5 p.m. Sunday to watch the Super Bowl. No big Super Bowl parties or any big watch parties. Just Sam and I with two goals; the first was to watch the game and, more importantly, to evaluate the commercials.

I wrote down 58 commercials for evaluation. I know I missed a few. One 30-second commercial cost $4.5 million. Just in case you are curious, that’s $261 million, not counting the ones I missed and the commercials for the kickoff and the postgame shows. NBC did pretty well just in advertising revenue.

I think Sam and I agreed that a lot of the products being advertised did not get $4.5 million bang for their buck. Some were just flat pathetic. This is a totally unscientific survey from two sports junkies, one a teenager and one a senior.

The way it worked, Sam and I picked our three favorites in the first half and our three favorites in the second half. Then we ranked them one through six. Finally, I combined the two lists to get the grand winner of the Steinmeyer household. It was a lot of work for a Super Bowl, but it kept us focused.

It’s important to note that Sam and my favorite commercial was the one meant to sell season tickets for Kansas City Royals. I was shocked to see they bought a 30-second slot. For $4.5 million they could have picked up another arm for their already stacked bullpen. However, Sam and I decided we were thinking with our hearts and not our brains. Who could blame us? Spring Training is only two weeks away.

Sam’s favorite commercial was the Liam Nesson advertisement for “Clash of the Clans.” You remember how he says those famous lines from Taken? “I have a very particular set of skills …” Liam was even scary advertising a video game.

A Fiat car commercial topped my list. It took a long time to figure out it was a car commercial, though. An older man needs the little blue pill before going back to his bedroom. He attempts to pop it in his mouth but misses and after several seconds of bouncing down Italian villas and through a market, it ends up in the gas tank of a Fiat. The car immediately begins to bulge and expand.

I think it was the only Viagra-type commercial all day. Viagra will put 25 of their commercials on the air during a regular season game, but not a single one at $4.5 million. Apparently, the pharmaceutical companies are more conservative than I thought.

Here’s a run-down of Sam’s favorite commercials from two to six. No. 2 was the Bud Light commercial with the Pac Man maze; No. 3 was the Mercedes commercial of the race of the Tortoise and the Hare; No. 4 was a great Doritos commercial where a guy uses tricks, including a bag of Doritos to get the right passenger to sit beside him; No. 5 was draft day for the Earth with Mexico drafting the avocado; and No. 6 was the Budweiser commercial where the lost dog finds its way back home and the Clydesdales scare off the wolves.

I had the Draft Day for Earth as my second favorite and the Tortoise and the Hare finding its way in sixth place. Third, fourth and fifth place didn’t make Sam’s list. Coming in third was when strange things happen on earth, like a dog leading a human by a leash, it turns out God’s smart phone was just running low on battery power; fourth was a the heart-tugging commercial featuring Harry Chapin’s Cat’s in the Cradle ballad while advertising Toyota; and fifth was the Doritos commercial where pigs really did fly.

Using the Steinmeyer’s secret equation for ranking commercials, first place went to Earth’s first draft. Remember that one. They had former NFL players and a cave man evaluating the draft, which was led by Earth’s commissioner, God. Australia was up first and drafted the kangaroo, Brazil drafted the sloth, the United States drafted wheat, and it goes on until one country trades for the dodo bird, which immediately dies. Finally, Mexico drafts the avocado, which is the main purpose of the commercial.

They hate it that the Brady’s Bunch Snicker’s commercial didn’t make it. I guess I was holding a grudge against Snickers since they didn’t invite Betty White back. Coke had a nice commercial with a message.

Commercials had the voices of JFK and Mohammed Ali.

Kim Kardashian made an appearance, but I’m pretty sure it took T-Mobile out of the running for my next cell phone contract.

Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad was a pharmacist wearing yellow protective cooking gear and Kris Kristofferson was mumbling something for Dreaming with Jeff, advertising Squarespace.

Sometimes I was evaluating so much, I lost track of the game.

Here’s what’s ironic about the game. Bill Belichick threw the football every time his team got inside the Seattle five-yard line and he’s considered a genius. However, Pete Carroll ordered the final pass that was intercepted and he’s considered an idiot.

Coaches just can’t win, but they can retire and watch the commercials.