Pearls: There’s nothing wrong with asking for help

EDITORIAL MUG: Matt Pearl

‘The most dangerous people are the ones who know a little bit, but who think they know everything.’

My dad would frequently offer some iteration of this thought, particularly when he had encountered an individual who was foolishly claiming expertise that he or she did not possess. He’s an intelligent man, my dad, but he felt a specific protectiveness toward the few areas of experience where he felt he was more knowledgeable.

Don’t correct the man’s grammar. He knows the rules. If he says, ‘my wife and I’ or if he says, ‘my wife and me,’ trust him. He knows the difference between subjective and objective case.

The man knows how to derive meaning from poems, stories – anything connected with the written word. In his newspaper days, he could run all the desktop publishing software apps as if he had invented them himself.

But then he would get into a project or problem around the house where he knew a little bit of this and a little of that, and he would sometimes call for assistance. The expression he would use was always some variation of ‘I’ll call [the HVAC guy]. I know just enough about this to be dangerous.’

It’s something we all have to learn: where our limits begin, what boundaries in our abilities we should respect. Growing up, I witnessed my dad’s example, which taught me that if you know that you know about something, that it’s fine to assert yourself and to have confidence in what you’re doing.

He also taught me that there was no shame in calling on others to aid or advise you when you’re in over your head. I am thankful and grateful each day that he taught me to rely upon the intelligent people around me when the territory grows unfamiliar.

And it’s a good thing he and my mother made these lessons a point, because I have a know-it-all nature; it has been one of the challenges of my adult life to step back, shut up and listen to the advice I receive from the people I trust. How liberating it has been to transition from a five-year-old who believed God had called him to raise his hand and answer every question, to a middle-aged man who can exhale in relief: because I don’t have to know everything.

I don’t have to be the best at everything. I don’t need for people to see me and know me and approve of me. Don’t laugh: it;s a struggle. My personality is such that I crave approval, but I have learned that other folks’ praise is a mixed bag: too much applause can make you overconfident, even arrogant; overemphasizing any criticism can shy you away from doing your best work.

Life definitely mirrors Ricky Nelson’s Garden Party, because ‘you can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself.’

Now, I don’t approach my life or my work in a way that I am the only human being that will ever benefit from it, but I don’t believe that the late Mr. Nelson intended in his lyrics for any worker or artist to work only in a self-interested manner. But I can’t write the song that someone else wishes I had written. I can’t paint a picture that another person would like to see me paint.

Maybe I have a better example: after all, I don’t write songs, and couldn’t paint a decent picture to save my life. We’ll switch to writing.

I can’t write the column that any reader wishes I would write. I have to write what I have to write, and I offer it as my contribution to the conversation. And if I try pandering to all of your prefferences and biases, then my writing will take on a quality of being artificial, even fake.

Experience has taught me about composing at the writing desk, and while many, many folks possess expertise beyond mine, I’m not exactly a novice as a columnist.

But I pray for the wisdom to realize that in a given situation I know just enough to be dangerous. We all need a little help, right – at least sometimes?

Matt Pearl owns and operates The Tri-County Ledger.