I hate everything and that’s okay because I am old

Jason Offutt

One aspect of growing older I’ve come to appreciate is how much I enjoy hating things. Sure, I’ve always hated things. As productive members of society, we’re all supposed to hate certain things, like poverty, hunger, disease, laziness and circus peanut candy (worst confectionary ever).

There are, of course, many other things we should hate. Like prejudice, World War II villains, political correctness, that guy at the front of the line in the convenience store who buys lottery tickets and has to scratch them off right there. Oh, and Bryan Singer’s “Superman Returns.” We all hated that.

But these require too much commitment, so I’ve simply narrowed down my dislikes to hating everything anyone else likes. This is what people older than 50 call fun.

Can someone give me an amen?

Here’s an amazingly short list of things I hate:

What other people find funny: I like my humor so subtle I don’t get the joke for three days, so I can’t understand why someone like Will Ferrell (career motto, “nobody laughs unless you’re yelling”) can have a lifetime gross total in movie ticket sales of more than $2 billion. Two BILLION dollars. The only time I’ve laughed during a Will Ferrell movie is when I left the room.

Ketchup: Not because it’s sometimes spelled catsup, which is like parents spelling their child Jason’s name Jayceson. For the love of God, stop.

I hate ketchup because it smells like someone threw up cotton candy made with tomatoes. Ketchup also tastes like it was designed to destroy the flavor of anything it comes in contact with. Like most Americans, I once loved ketchup because I was five years old. If you are an adult who eats ketchup on anything other than French fries you may not be capable of love, or successfully navigating a four-way stop.

Successfully navigating a four-way stop: It’s not that hard, people. There are four stop signs at an intersection. The car that stops first gets to go first. Duh. America works by playground rules – if you’re not first, you’re last.* If two cars stop at the same time, the vehicle on the RIGHT goes first because this isn’t England. Nobody gives a damn about the left. Pay attention.

The word theatre: Although “theater” was commonly spelled “theatre” in the United States until the turn of the century, Americans decided we didn’t care how anyone else in the world spelled things and changed it. Well, theatre and thousands of surnames at Ellis Island that, you know, sounded funny.

Simply put, the word is spelled “theater” – always. If some actor-type tries to tell you “theater” is the venue, “theatre” is the art, mock him publicly then buy him a dictionary. You may have to hit him with it.

Television: There are good television programs, I promise. But none of them are on network TV. This means there’s no “Matlock” or “Mystery She Wrote” for the old farts of today so we had to get our fix with “Breaking Bad.” To @#$% with your “The Big Bang Theory.”

Music: All music is terrible, even the music I listen to. Maybe especially the music I listen to. Shut up. I like what I like, and I don’t like what you like. Unless you like what I like, then I hate it.

This is fun.

*My wife informed me this is a line from a Will Ferrell movie.

Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com.