Make plans, but learn to be flexible

Jennifer Ditlevson Haglund

In the concluding few minutes of class with my high school seniors last weekend, I asked them if they had any plans set for life after graduation. Most said they were still waiting on acceptance letters from colleges, but they all plan to attend a four-year institution to study subjects like law, business, and economics.

Their sudden interest in conversation reminded me of the excitement and anxiety about busting into the adult world. As their teacher, I don’t know if they’re thinking about the future of their status with significant others like I was. I’m sure there are a few weighing staying together or rupturing their young, complex romantic entanglements. It’s hard to remember exactly where I was when I was their age, but it wasn’t that different. I had dream schools and a plan, too.

Sometimes I find it difficult to advise young people when they tell me their plans. Maybe that’s why so many graduation speeches and inspirational cards can be so vague and broad. An inflexible specificity can set you up for disappointment or an unnecessary sense of failure, and I know all about that.

More than 10 years removed from my senior year of high school, I can relate to the 1997 comedy “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” better than when I first saw it. This sunny, stupid movie follows the adventures of two 28-year-old besties trying to find ways to impress their classmates before attending their high school reunion. The reality of their lives was too shameful to admit, so they told people they’d invented Post-It notes.

While I don’t think of myself as a failure, my life looks so different from what my 18-year-old self imagined. I had made a strict outline of my life, and soon found myself so frustrated, because it rarely followed the course I sought. Whether it was a relationship that failed or a job that didn’t work out, I took it so personally — almost like it was a result of poor character or helplessness. Most of the time, it was neither. There were too many moving parts for me to predict how each aspect of my life would come together.

Once, when I was especially crushed by a foiled plan, I asked my dad if there were any use to setting goals if they were so likely to be redirected. He caught my drama and told me that I should keep making plans, but I needed to be more adaptable when surprised by a curve ball. He was right, but I’ve had to learn the hard way why adjusting gracefully is so important. No one told me that being so rigid could turn me into an ungrateful, unpleasant person.

I didn’t check to see if my high school class had a 10-year reunion, because I’d just had my daughter and was in the middle of moving to Maryville. But I wonder if I’d gone to one then, if I would’ve been tempted to make up some lie about my accomplishments or if I would have raced faster to lose the remaining baby weight.

At the time, I’d just given notice to leave my teaching job and had no clue what I was going to do next. My self-confidence about my appearance and career prospects was pretty low, and I had no clue what I was getting into with the whole parenthood gig.

It’s probably for the best that the 10-year reunion never took place and that I wouldn’t have been able to go if it had. I would have gone there with Heather Mooney’s (Janeane Garofalo’s) dour and unapproachable attitude due to my insecurity.

A few years ago, one of my professors from college asked that I write something brief about myself for the alumni page for the department of English. I was so afraid that I had nothing to tell that I still haven’t found it in me to give her 300 words about what I’ve done since my undergraduate days.

She’s since moved on to asking my little brother for a short update. He told me last week that he was working on it, and I admitted that I still feel guilty that I haven’t sent her my response. We both know there’s plenty for me to report, but it’s not the trajectory I anticipated to have. Like a good brother and friend, he reminded me that it’s still a good one. He has a point, and I’m thankful my life didn’t go according to my plan. If it had, I would have missed out on all the things that didn’t fit into my agenda.

Jennifer Ditlevson Haglund is a former news reporter for the Maryville Daily Forum, now living and writing in New York City.