Millennials and opinions

Tom Pinney

I have successfully conditioned a toddler to stay away from me.

Some of my friends that I’ve known since I moved to Maryville had their fourth child a couple of years ago, and that poor child now knows to stay away from me.

Allow me to explain: I don’t like children, and right now, I don’t want children. I also don’t see that changing any time soon.

I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve heard it a hundred million times for the past 10 years: “You don’t know what you’ll want down the road. Children are great. You were a child once. Children are worth all of the bad times.”

I’ve heard it all. I understand it all. I disagree with it all.

When I was 15, I was holding a baby at church and he puked on me and I nearly dropped him. And when I say “puked,” I don’t mean the cute little spit-up (what?!) that all babies do at some point in the day.

This kid upchucked like he had visited a frat party the night before.

Understandably, the mother freaked out a little, took her baby from me and ran to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I, meanwhile, choked back my own gag reflex to the best of my ability as I went to find my dad and tell him we needed to get home, now.

HE LAUGHED AT ME. As did my mother and all three of my siblings when they heard the story about the little puke monster deciding to make me his next target.

When we got home from church, I showered for nearly an hour. I threw away those clothes.

And then that night, wouldn’t you know it, I was puking myself.

As the food I had eaten a week prior was being violently expelled from my body, I stood resolved: No kids for me. I apologize for the imagery, but you’re starting to get my point.

Don’t worry, I’ve heard the stories: the guy who stresses out for nine months wondering, and then when he holds the baby for the first time, all of a sudden his feelings change and he loves that little kid. That’s my older brother’s story.

The guy who has so much love to give that any child he sees gets instant attention, and his children eventually get spoiled rotten, but in a good way. When he has children, that will be my younger brother’s story.

I’m not either one of those, nor am I any other great story kind of dad. I’m just not a dad.

My older brother knew that I was afraid of kids, so when I first met Lillyanne, he tried to hand her to me to hold. Since she was family, I was willing to oblige for a minute.

SHE STARTED CRYING THE SECOND SHE SAW ME. But was just fine when my then-girlfriend tried to take her.

I shot Tim the classic younger brother “neener neener, your plan didn’t work” look as Allison rocked Lilly back to sleep.

For the record, three years later, at Tim’s wedding, Lilly still steered clear of me. I was still okay with that.

A couple of months ago, I was at my friends’ house for dinner, and their kid, now just over two years old, was trying to speak. As toddlers are wont to do, she was just saying nonsense syllables.

My response: “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!”

Sure, one reaction you could have is that I’m kind of a jerk to kids, but this proves my point. I’m impatient, sarcastic, and rude, and this child stays away from me because I spent the first two years of her life basically running from her.

So why in the world should that make anyone think I’m fit to be a parent?

I have two friends my age that have been together since middle school, got married three days after graduating high school, and now both of them have college degrees and successful careers despite the fact she’s popped out two kids. They are meant to be parents.

I have another friend around my age who had to have an argument with her grandmother that she should be allowed to say whether or not she has children, and her grandmother said she would “pray for her soul.”

That’s the problem with previous generations’ dealings with millennial opinions: they love to tell us that there is a right and wrong opinion to have.

This isn’t unique to millennials; Gen-Xers were told by baby boomers what opinions were right and wrong when they were in our shoes. The problem is, they are now doing that to us.

There was once a time when people could have separate opinions and not be eviscerated for having them. Millennials, prior generations have failed us; it’s our duty to restore opinions to their rightful place in our discourse.

Let’s make opinions sacred once again.