I’m sorry, really I am

LARRY ANDERSON
Larry Anderson

Living in the Age of Apology has caused me to evaluate my condition in life.

Said reflection made me realize I’m not perfect.

Sorry about that.

I know perfection drives the pampered Left so in tune with what it takes to be achingly good, but I’m afraid I can’t live up to their standards, being normal and all.

I’m just not that superior.

Besides, I’d rather be who I am than a phony embracing every cause imaginable without historical, constitutional, or empirical understanding.

You understand I don’t mean to upset the phonies, bearded or otherwise. It’s just that everyone is offended these days.

Besides, I’m certain it’s someone else’s fault the phonies can’t tell the difference between propaganda and truth.

I can, but I should know by now liberal skins are thin as tissue paper.

My bad.

Please forgive me for being Caucasian. Being such, I’m not able to utilize the victim label as casually as those on an afternoon stroll through the blooming garden of political correctness.

So sorry for being a white guy.

Let me apologize for my family being of European descent. If only they had known how offensive that was to liberals, especially the white ones living in shame.

Anyway, I’m sorry for being born in such an unfashionable way. I’ll blame my parents from now on. They must share our fault.

Blaming others is what the Left’s all about, isn’t it?

I apologize for not being aware that I was part of white privilege when this is common knowledge among the Leftist elite.

If I had just known I was a child of privilege, I would likely be rolling in dough by now, like Hillary Clinton, Michael Moore, and Al Gore.

It’s hard to capitalize on privilege when you don’t know you have it. That’s my fault. I mistook privilege for hard work, planning, and goals.

Sorry. I took personal responsibility there. Who does that anymore?

I missed out on all that white supremacy stuff too. It’s a shame, really, to have wasted so much time thinking of myself as a regular person and not recognizing how special I am.

Good thing there are liberals to make me aware of a condition I didn’t know I had.

Now that I’m supreme, I suppose I should walk around all superior and such, but I think I’ll dismiss the accusation for the propagandistic crapola that it is.

Sorry, liberals, but I’m not purchasing what you’re selling.

Nor am I buying your presentation that America is a finished, and failed, product, ripe for redistribution to anyone who wants a piece of the pie, citizen or not.

I don’t even see this country as a pie.

I see it as a place of honor and opportunity and invention. I remember it as the place where one could once be what one wanted and was afforded the opportunity to err without the judgment of hacks and fools.

Oh, I know how old-fashioned it is to praise this country instead of trying to tear it down.

You can tell I’m out of step with those chock full of hurt and socialist fervor.

Very sorry.

Golly, wouldn’t it be fantastic if we all thought exactly the same? Then, if someone did have a different idea of his own, we could all turn on him. Teach him all about tolerance and the correct way to think.

Wouldn’t that be swell?

Finally, let me apologize for being an old dude taught to support my country and to believe in all its constitutionally-guaranteed principles. I know I’m an anachronism in a brave new world of engineered conflict and governmental mendacity.

Wish I could be politically hip and cool, but I’m just an old-school American, watching the spectacle in disgust.

Sorry about everything. Really I am.

Trying not to be angry. Failing at that.

Sure hope this column helps the Left in its labeling and social cleansing.

Larry W. Anderson’s novel, I, Eugenius, is available at the Maryville Daily Forum.