Being a parent = being a spy

Jason Offutt

The baby was asleep when my wife went into her room. Well, at least the baby should have been asleep.

Children, as a rule, only do what their parents want if it fits into their schedule, and a baby’s schedule is as regular as a dice roll.

Baby (translated from “bllll” noises): Sleep? At bedtime? Pencil me in somewhere around 10 a.m. Thursday.

Secretary (usually invisible): You have a play date at 10 a.m. Thursday, but you’re behind on “Making Mom Look Bad” points, so it might work out.

Baby: Excellent. Make it so.

Going to sleep on time is rarely an option.

My wife turned off the hall light, slowly pushed open the baby’s bedroom door and slipped inside the dark room. Waking a baby at bedtime means parents can’t spend the rest of the night doing things we always tell them not to — like blowing bubbles in our milk.

As my wife’s eyes adjusted to the dark, the corner of the room with the crib was still about as well-lit as an “X-Files” episode.

There are times when an idea crawls out of your head in a beam of light and almost seems religious.

It was like that with Tesla and Alternating Current. It was like that with Einstein and relativity.

And it was like that for my wife.

I wish we had night vision goggles.

Oh, yeah, night-vision goggles.

If the people at Babies R Us had any sense, they’d stock night-vision goggles right next to the breast pumps.

You want to make sure the baby’s OK without turning on the light? You want to see why it’s taking your teenage daughter so long to get out of her date’s car? You want to catch your spouse eating spoonfuls of peanut butter at 3 a.m.?

You can.

Just go to www.offuttparentalespionage.com* and you can have it all.

Here’s the catalogue:

Night-vision goggles: See everything you need to: snipers, Charlie, your child planting Lego landmines along the night-night trail.

GPS tracking devices: Not only are these good for following your teen on every step of his/her date, it’ll prepare your welcome home when you see your husband has stopped at Hooter’s again.

Hand-held metal detectors: Sweep every date — and your kid. If there’s a piercing you can’t see, trust me, you’ll find it.

Video surveillance: In-home spying isn’t just for the government anymore. Is your toddler snitching cookies? Is your wife snitching cookies? Is your live-in grandpa a blacklisted McCarthy communist sympathizer?

Placing a video camera in teddy bears, toilets and dentures will make your home safe for democracy.

Bomb robot: This remote-controlled police bomb detonator is a full-featured robot for hazardous duty operations, such as picking up and disposing of a Level IV Full-Fiber Diaper.

So, when you’re looking for the latest in family-stealth devices, Offutt Parental Espionage will make your children wonder just when you got to be smart.

*Not a real Web site. If it’s ever a real Web site, I’m retiring early.