Advertising: silly is as silly does

Jason Offutt

Advertising exists for one reason, to take our money. Oh, sure, the companies that advertise to us don’t come right out and say it; they use fancy schmancy words to trick us into throwing dollars at their feet. They’re sneaky that way.

Take for example, food. Would you buy a greasy hamburger? No. How about a hot and juicy hamburger? Yeah, see how that works?

As a public service, Dr. Truth will take us through the wonderful, misleading words used in food advertising.

Original: Although probably the most straightforward term on this list, “Original,” meaning what this restaurant sells, is itself confusing.

Waiter: Would you like deep, thin, skinny, hand-tossed, wheat, gluten-free, or original crust?

You: I just want crust.

Waiter: Do you mean Original?

You: What was Original called before deep, thin, skinny, hand-tossed, wheat, and gluten-free?

Waiter: Crust.

You: Yeah, give me that.

Skinny: A sneaky way to make someone think they’re eating healthy at a restaurant, which is, of course, impossible.

Premium: Better than that other garbage we’re serving you.

Pepper bombshell: People don’t want to eat things that may explode.

Flavor blast: This is for drinks. They simply put flavored syrup in your drink. It’s not a blast.

Savory: Restaurants call almost anything you can stick into your mouth savory – soups, dressings, meats, and flavored toothpicks. Sounds delicious. But savory can mean salty, bitter, tangy and spicy. What the hell is it? Chances are the restaurant doesn’t know either. Stick with hamburgers, and foods you can pronounce.

Sliders: On the subject of hamburgers, sliders are mini-hamburgers. The term “sliders” was first used to describe the greasy mini-burgers sold at White Castle because they slide in, and they slide right back … uh, well, let’s just say “sliders” is not a compliment.

Bold: “Bold” is the ability to take risks. Since food itself can’t take risks, the chef obviously is. Avoid “bold” food at all costs.

Zesty: “Zesty” either means showing enthusiasm, or covered in citrus peal. Eat at your own risk.

Fresh: No wonder the rest of the menu tastes like crap. This is the only item that isn’t rotting.

Fiery: Although I enjoy spicy foods, much like “bombshell,” I draw the line on putting anything into my system that is actually on fire.

Then there are adjectives advertising specialists toss in front of words simply because they think the consumer is stupid.

Honey: Roughly translated means “high fructose corn syrup.”

Hardwood smoked: Whatever my vendor had on sale this week.

Slow roasted: See “hardwood smoked.”

Seasoned: Old.

Black angus: Most of the population doesn’t know there’s also a red angus, which tastes exactly like black angus, which tastes exactly like Hereford, and every other breed of beef.

Mediterranean black olives: If you’re eating these in an American restaurant, chances are those olives are from California. But since olives originally came from the Mediterranean, it’s not really a lie, right?

Sweet pineapple: As opposed to that other kind.

Now go out there and buy food armed with the knowledge that it’s probably not as good as advertised.

Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.