Intentional understanding starts with asking questions
Kaity Holtman
Life changes have been underway for my family throughout the last year. And those always come with certain questions from those we talk with.
Pregnancy:
“How are you feeling?”
“When are you due?”
“Do you know the gender?”
“How far apart will they be?” (This usually comes with a stare at Sam and how young he is.)
Building a house:
“How’s the house coming?”
“When’s the move-in date?”
“Are you tired of making decisions?”
“Are you feeling settled in?”
Parenthood:
“How’s Sam?”
“What’s he into? What is he doing now?”
I love the questions. They show that people care about me and my family.
And the questions remind me to ask questions of other people.
I was just talking with some good friends the other night about how hard it is to relate to people who monopolize conversations.
Doing all the talking and not asking any questions can be a turn-off for becoming friends with someone.
I try to be mindful of asking questions instead of doing all the talking.
I remember meeting my husband’s coworker’s wife probably six years ago. I’d never had a conversation like the one I had with her.
All she did was ask questions of me. Not just about my job or where I grew up, but she really delved into the “why” questions to go along with getting to know me.
It felt almost intrusive, but in the most genuine, attentive kind of way. She wanted to know what made me tick, to understand my background, which was so different from hers.
She had grown up on the plaza in Kansas City and had no ties to rural living, except that her husband came from outside of the city. But rather than assume I was just some simple person from the country, she was truly interested in understanding our differences and how everything I’d done had shaped my life.
And the most interesting part is that we didn’t even spend that much time together. I only saw her a couple more times, but after that first encounter, I tried to reciprocate all the questions back to her.
I was so caught off guard the first time, that I didn’t have time to reciprocate.
She left a lasting impression on me because of the way she hosted conversation.
I admired her intentional interest in me, and I assume she is that way with everyone she gets to know.
I try to be like her, but oftentimes fail. I don’t know if feeling invasive keeps from delving any deeper. Or maybe it’s that I’m too easily distracted. Or maybe sometimes surface level knowledge seems ok to start with.
No matter the reason, I want to be the kind of person who takes a genuine, intentional interest in people’s lives. It is through getting to know someone that we can see why God placed them in our lives.
We gather our energy, both momentarily and over time, based on the people we surround ourselves with and how we interact with them.
How can we expect to draw their good energy if we never really know what makes them tick.
I think we gather more out of life to use for good if we ask questions and truly seek to get to know people.
Maybe this is a resolution I’m setting before New Year’s Eve. Maybe it’s just me thinking on paper. Either way, I want to be better at intentionally getting to know people.
You may just be my next guinea pig target. You’ve been warned.
Kaity Holtman is the Agriculture Editor for the Maryville Daily Forum.
