Holiday stress

Kristen Peltz

When it comes to the holiday season, people tend to fall into one of two camps: they either love the holidays, or they… don’t. For those who delight in Christmas, Hanukkah or other celebrations, this is the brightest time of year, full of light, love, family, and festivity. For those who struggle during this time, the last weeks of the year may represent loneliness, loss, and family tension. These tips are for those of you who are holding your breath waiting for the holiday lights to come down, the gift wrap to be put away, and the New Year to roll through. At the very least, you deserve some peace… and wouldn’t it be nice if you could experience some joy in the season, too?

Reach out: For some people, the holidays are anything but a time of togetherness and celebration. If you have lost a loved one around the holidays, if your children have left home, or if you are single and you and your family are separated, the holidays can be exceedingly lonely. Now is the time to connect with others. Don’t be afraid to let people know you are on your own. When we’re sad or lonely, we have the tendency to isolate—avoid this tendency and accept people’s generosity of spirit. You can return the favor at another time.

Volunteer: If you are planning to spend the holidays alone, considering volunteering. There are numerous benefits to helping others in the community; you are providing a much-needed and appreciated service, you are getting yourself out and about, and you end up feeling good about what you’ve done and who you are. Consider donating your time or choose from a myriad of other worthy options. The community will welcome you.

Go for “good-enough”: The holidays are a real set-up for perfectionists; the magazines, the commercials and the Hallmark channel try to convince us that we can create the perfect celebration. In reality, no one is capable of perfection—not in terms of mood, festivities or décor. Give yourself room to have a wonderful, and wonderfully imperfect, holiday. Allow the cookies to be store-bought, the guests to argue and the lights to go out. Life happens, in all its wondrous chaos and unpredictability. Celebrate it!

Just say “no”: Let’s face it; the holiday season is a challenging time to stand up to pushy or critical friends and family. However, there comes a point when you need to give yourself permission to set limits. State what you are willing to do and be clear about where you draw the line. Let others know that you need to take care of yourself, as much as you care for them, and encourage a more equitable distribution of responsibility. There may be initial push-back, but stay firm, and they will adjust.

Make space for yourself: If you are surrounded by family this holiday season, make sure to take time-out to be by yourself: offer to run an errand, take a walk on your own or with someone you enjoy, or go to another room and call someone you miss at that moment. It’s even okay to get in your car, turn on the radio and breathe deeply for a couple of minutes before heading back into the fray. Give yourself permission to take much-needed breaks.

Honor your losses: For those of you who are reminded of someone dear during the holidays; now may be the right time to acknowledge that person. Rituals, like memories, matter, and there is no better way to acknowledge the pain of loss than to honor the memory of those who are gone. This may mean putting together a memory box filled with mementos of shared time together. It may mean writing a letter to the person you loved and tucking it away to read again next year at this time. It may mean celebrating that person’s life by engaging in an activity that she or he loved to do. Recognize that your grief, as painful as it may be, is also a meaningful reflection of something, and someone, wonderful.

Practice acceptance: As much as you hope against hope that your uncle won’t be rude at the dinner table, that your sisters won’t fight and that your mother won’t question your taste in clothing, hairstyle or partner, you need to prepare yourself for this inevitability: what hasn’t changed until this point will likely stay the same over the holidays. Take a deep breath. Relax. And know that your powers (of persuasion, of diplomacy, of resolve) are limited.

Deal with financial stress: If finances are a source of stress for you this holiday season, this may be the time to reconsider your expenditures. Perhaps you have been giving holiday gifts to extended family all these years and can simply no longer afford it. Perhaps your grown children are used to big, shiny packages and you haven’t had the heart to adjust expectations. Allow yourself to shift gears. This may involve letting others know that you are cutting back. Let the gift-giving expectations go and let go of the financial stress that accompanies them.

Finally, consider counseling if you find yourself struggling with mood, stress or loss-related issues that just won’t go away. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help at any time of the year!