Understanding toddlers’ minds is impossible

Jason Offutt

For those optimistic types out there thinking about having a baby, I need to point out something. Babies, which are cute, eventually turn into toddlers, which are also cute, but the cute equivalent of a nuclear explosion.

Babies grin, giggle and poop. Toddlers also grin, giggle and poop, but usually while trying to flush the cat down the toilet.

A toddler can also cause lots of destruction. For example, in an artistic outburst involving Cheerios, a bucket of toys and the couch cushions, in only five minutes our two-year-old can transform the living room from a family space into something that appears to have been ransacked by raccoons.

Plural. Raccoons.

Toddlers learn three things early on: 1) Mom and Dad are bad parents, 2) breaking things is fun, and 3) what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine and what may, or may not, exist is mine.

Inside a Toddler’s head: What do you mean there are no dinosaurs? I saw one on that glowy box thingy. Get me one now or suffer my wrath.

Our toddler’s first word was “no.” Her second was “mine.” Her first sentence was “No, mine.” This is not a joke. Envy me now.

Things were different with the older children; my wife and I were the ones who said no. But toddlers with siblings understand their brothers and sisters have already beaten Mom and Dad’s spirits down to the point we now have the negotiating skills of a bobblehead doll. Once mighty in our resolve not to give into our children’s demands, we have devolved into people who just want five more minutes of sleep.

Toddler (shoving a box of cookies in our face): Eat.

Parent (groggily): Go play.

Toddler: Now, eat now.

Parent: Those are cookies. You’re not eating cookies for breakfast.

Toddler: No, now eat blargy, bloof, ganna boo.

Parent (pulling open the packaging): Just take it. Take it all.

I can only assume it will get worse when she’s a teenager and asks to have a tattoo across her face because, “It’ll be martavolously zoomy,” or whatever teenagers will say in 2030.

I’m not ready for that, mainly because I’m not ready for what awaits me when I get home today. Having a toddler in the house is a lot like having a pet badger and suddenly realizing while walking to the front door you left the lid off its cage.

Toddlers also have the temperament of said badger and can switch moods faster than a super hero can switch costumes.

Example, this morning. My wife walks into the living room, the one destroyed by raccoons, and finds me apparently trying to wrestle one of them.

“No, noooo,” the Toddler screamed before I finally released her, and allowed her to thrash like a crowd at a heavy metal concert.

“What did you do to displease the baby?” my wife asked.

“Well, I put a shirt on her because it’s cold,” I said.

“How dare you.”

So, if there are still people out there considering having a baby, remember, it’s hard work being a bad parent.

Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com.