Millennials are not getting enough credit

Jason Offutt

It’s easy to pick on Millennials (people 18 to 34). They started the hipster movement after all, which is fun for absolutely no one, not even the hipsters. Every hipster I see looks miserable.

If you have no idea what a hipster is, I envy you.

Hipsters are young people who dress like they’re in a 1930s alternate dimension where everyone seems like they want to get beaten up. They use things like typewriters, grow lumberjack beards but don’t adopt the lumberjack lifestyle (mainly because lumberjacks are employed) and for the most part live at home with their mothers.

For the first time in the history of self-respect a greater percentage of young people live at home with Mom and Dad (32.1 percent) than in any of the traditionally accepted living arrangements like with a roommate, a spouse, a cellmate, or under a bridge.

But this isn’t about the things Millennials do wrong, this is about the things Millennials do right. Like not eat Big Macs.

Other than me (once) I’ve never seen anyone order a Big Mac. Seriously. Never. There must be some sub culture of people who love Big Macs or they wouldn’t exist. These people probably have Big Mac and KFC Double Down conventions in places where there’s nothing better to do than eat things that could block a colon. You know, in cities like Bratislava, Slovakia, and Chula Vista, California (ranked the most boring city in the U.S. by Finances Online).

The Big Mac (two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun) was invented in Pittsburgh in 1967. McDonald’s Restaurants started selling it nationwide in 1968. But as legendary as these sandwiches are, a recent study showed only one in five Millennials have eaten the most well known sandwich in America.

Good for them.

The Big Mac is the culinary equivalent of the Pontiac Aztek or a shady date. Sure, they may be fun, but you don’t want anyone to see you together. And if Millennials are about anything, it’s style.

Millennials popularized the man bun (where the use of the word “man” is questionable), the gluten-free diet (which is important for people with celiac disease but irrelevant – although stylish – for anyone else), horned-rimmed glasses (sailors issued these call them Birth Control Glasses for obvious reasons) and not buying houses or cars.

I’m picking on Millennials again. Sorry.

A study (yes, an actual study) showed Millennials probably don’t eat Big Macs because they’d rather either eat higher quality burgers at trendy restaurants or convenience store food (don’t try to make sense of that).

Millennials also did a great public service by bringing Pabst Blue Ribbon beer back from impending extinction. By choosing to ironically drink a beer that’s company policy is not to advertise, Millennials took PBR sales, which in 2001 were 90 percent less than its high in 1977, up 20.3 percent by 2009. Today Americans drink 200 percent more PBR than they did in 2004.

So, Millennials are killing the Big Mac and saving PBR. I have no idea why people think they don’t do anything.

Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com.