Being manly in a man-bun world

Jason Offutt

The guy at the grocery store bothered me.

He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t loud. He hadn’t parked in the spot reserved for pregnant moms.

Heck, he didn’t even know I was there.

What bothered me was his hair. He wore a Man Bun.

For those of you unfamiliar with people I never want to hang out with, a Man Bun is a hairstyle worn by men with long hair tied behind their head in a bun.

Ballerinas have worn their hair like this for centuries.

Ballerinas.

Joaquin Phoenix wears a Man Bun, as does Shia LaBeouf and Russell Brand. I’m sure you see a pattern here.

This guy walked from the store swinging a canvas bag probably filled with organic produce and unicorn tears, got into his Prius and left.

That affected the rest of my shopping experience. The free samples didn’t even cheer me up.

There’s a serious problem with America — it’s a lack of men.

Oh, sure, there are plenty of guys around, but I’m talking Men. People who can operate a chainsaw and change a tire.

Men are people who conquered mountains. Guys have immaculate cuticles.

If you’re not sure what category you fall into fellas, here’s a list of things every man should be able to do. If you can’t do them, you might as well start tying up that bun.

• Operate a chainsaw.

• Change a tire.

• Grow a beard, not because it’s a fashion trend, but because Papa Hemingway had one and Hemingway could punch a hole through an elephant.

• Swim.

• Build a campfire.

• Find your way out of the woods.

• Brand cattle.

• Earn enough money to take care of your family.

• Hit a baseball.

• Operate a standard transmission.

• Remove your own stitches.

• Build a bench.

• Arc weld.

• Apologize.

• Open doors for women.

• Wear something made of leather.

• Whittle.

• Purify water using nothing but a glass bottle and the sun.

• Swing a sledgehammer.

• Calm a newborn.

• Deliver a calf.

• Read to your children.

• Bake your own bread.

• Do simple-to-moderate home repair.

• Hang drywall.

• Always have on hand a cutting tool and a church key.

• Know what a church key is.

• Admit your wife’s smarter than you.

• Vote.

• Learn gun safety.

• Drive long distances without a GPS.

• Brew beer.

• Cook over an open fire.

• Have an appreciation for The Three Stooges.

There.

Although that’s not a complete list, it’s a start. And yes, I’ve done every one of these.

Something I left off the list is “have fashion sense.” There’s no need for it. Everything goes with blue jeans.

Oh, Man Bun Guy at the grocery store? He wore a pair of clam diggers.

On women they’re called capris.

On a guy they shouldn’t be called anything.

Now get out there and Man.

Jason Offutt’s parody survival guide, “How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items,” is available at amazon.com.