Never, ever, pull out a snake while in a crowded restaurant

Jason Offutt

One of my older sister’s first jobs was at a local restaurant, one of those mom-and-pop country joints where the fried tenderloin in the sandwich was so big it made the bun look like a little hat.

Dad took me to eat there for lunch on her first day, which in hindsight was a mistake. All first days on the job are horrendous failures. Look at most presidents.

While somewhere a quarter into my fries, my sister delivered food to a man two tables away. She’d gotten the order wrong, and the man made her cry.

That’s when I came up with Jason Offutt’s Restaurant Rule 1: Never upset someone who can spit in your food.

These people should have learned that lesson.

Headline: “Harvard professor starts feud with Chinese restaurant over $4 overcharge.”

Associate Professor Ben Edelman threatened to sue a restaurant that served him food he described to Boston.com as “delicious,” unless he received a refund for a recent order.

Edelman ordered $53.35 in takeout from Sichuan Garden and was billed $57.35. Apparently the restaurant had raised its prices, but failed to update the online menu.

“Under Massachusetts law, it turns out to be a serious violation to advertise one price and charge a different price,” Edelman wrote in an email to the restaurant last Dec. 6.

The restaurant offered to refund him the money, but Edelman refused unless the restaurant identified “all consumers affected and to provide refunds to all of them.”

Which is rational, right?

The restaurant owner used the Internet for the one thing it seems to be good for. He posted Edelman’s emails showing the world even well educated people can be complete jerks.

Watch that next takeout order, pal.

At least Edelman didn’t throw things.

Headline: “Man tosses snake behind Tim Hortons counter over diced onion dispute.”

Attention diners: Canadian restaurant chain Tim Hortons does NOT dice onions.

Two 20-year-old men in Saskatoon found this out Dec. 8 last year when they ordered sandwiches with diced onions.

When told they couldn’t have diced onions, one of the men reached into the other’s pocket and pulled out a snake. Pocket snakes are apparently popular in Canada.

The man tossed the snake over the counter, an appropriate response in this situation, and they fled the restaurant.

So did restaurant staff.

“Obviously, [restaurant workers] were very frightened,” police spokeswoman Alyson Edwards told the CBC. “There was quite a lot of screaming going on.”

It was a non-venomous snake. This display of courage is why some Canadians still speak French.

Then, in Idaho, it’s best to just take what you’re served.

Headline: “Waitress attacked customer after complaint of bad service.”

When customers point out a wrong order or an empty glass, they usually get the right order, refills, and an apology.

At Pho 79 Vietnamese restaurant in Garden City, Idaho, they get punched in the face.

Pho 79 owner Henry Do was in the back of the restaurant llast March when he heard a noise and came out to find waitress Truc Huynh, 29, beating the snot out of a patron, according to KBOI 2 News.

“She hit the customer,” Do said. “I go out and tell her no, no, no.”

When officers arrived, she threatened them with a knife. They must have complained about a dirty fork.

So, the next time you dine out, remember to be kind to your servers, and they’ll be kind to you.

Or else.

Jason Offutt’s latest book, “Across a Corn-Swept Land: An epic beer run through the Upper Midwest,” is available at amazon.com.