Things I learned in 2014
Jason Offutt
With another year in the books, it’s time to review all the things we learned during that year we’d probably rather forget.
Like Justin Bieber exists. Really, who wants to know that?
I did learn some important things this year, such as Brussels sprouts are delicious (when cooked with bacon), salad may be the perfect food (if covered in bacon), and sandwiches cure hangovers (when filled with bacon).
Here’s everything else I learned:
Jason Offutt’s Revelations of 2014
• Anyone who can fold fitted sheets must have made a pact with the devil.
• The most world-changing event in the lives of many Americans is when we discovered that, if the claims are true, America’s Dad Bill Cosby is a villain.
• If you lick your fingers, those impossible to use cheap trash bags come right open.
• Colorado and Washington state both legalized marijuana for recreational purposes, and no one has done a comprehensive study on Dorito sales. Come on, academia, there’s a connection. Trust me.
• Bill Cosby can fold fitted sheets.
• “Rocky IV” is a Christmas movie.
• Convicted murderer Clayton Lockett died of a heart attack in Oklahoma after a failed execution attempt. What do you know? Karma is real.
• Common Core math makes my head hurt.
• More states legalized same-sex marriage. I wonder how many of the proponents are divorce lawyers.
• Fruit juice is bad for you? Nothing I know is true.
• The news media have really dropped the ball on NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden’s UFO claims. What? You’d rather ask him about trillions of our tax dollars disappearing into a black budget? Seriously, folks, get a grip on reality.
• It’s 2015 and still no Bigfoot.
• The Seattle City Council voted to raise the minimum wage to $15 after a nation-wide protest of adult McDonald’s workers who apparently still have the same job they had in high school.
• Contrary to the predictions in the national news, Ebola hasn’t killed us all. Neither did bird flu in 2006, or West Nile virus in 2000. Don’t worry, CNN, you’ll get it right one day.
• Apparently North Korea doesn’t have anything better to do – ever.
• Smartest man in the world Stephen Hawking explained the dangers of creating artificial intelligence and contacting extraterrestrials, and nobody listened. I’ve seen those movies, Steve. I’m ready.
• The Internet has made us lazy.
• Ann B. Davis, the housekeeper Alice on “The Brady Bunch,” died on my birthday. Thanks for bringing me down, Alice.
• My family has learned to make all the foods we enjoy from scratch, because when the Ebola zombies take over, the world’s not going to be a fun place without peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Except at my house. By the way, stay away from my house.
OK, that’s all I learned in 2014. Let’s hope 2015 will bring the world closer to universal truth. Or at least help me understand Common Core math problems.
Jason Offutt’s racy first novel, “A Funeral Story,” is available at amazon.com.
