Your voice has power
SKYE POURNAZARI/THE FORUM
Tammy Hill
TAMMY HILL | Special to The Forum
I’m writing this in hopes of helping anyone else who might, right now, be experiencing the domestic violence like I’ve had to deal with in my life. While it is important to recognize and be aware of domestic violence, I want to take action and share my story. I hope it can reach someone who needs it.
Many domestic violence stories you hear or read don’t have a positive outcome. Fortunately for me, mine does. I’m 81 days sober and working with North Star Advocacy Center to get back on my feet. But it’s important to note my past drug use because, working on my sobriety — one day at a time — has helped me realize just what my husband was doing to me for the nine years or so that we’ve been married.
People use the term “gaslit,” but they really don’t understand how much of yourself you can lose when someone decides to manipulate you for their best interest. While I experienced physical, sexual, mental and other types of abuse as well, it was the complete and total utter control my husband had over me that was unlike anything I had known before meeting him.
He claimed to be my Prince Charming. He was going to make everything OK. We married about nine years ago and it wasn’t long before I just totally lost myself. He began to control every aspect of my life. I couldn’t even leave the room, if he wanted me in it with him. I was just his little shadow. I wasn’t even my own person.
I can see clearly now that he was doing it all purposefully in hopes of overwhelming and confusing me. It worked. I was almost constantly confused, sometimes not sure if I had eaten or if I had gotten all the chores done. I was unsure of what might set him off.
I began to question my own ability to make decisions, in some cases my sanity. For a while he told me that there were other people in the apartment filming me to keep tabs on me. Once he said he was seeing other women, I guess, to cause me to be jealous. I wasn’t ever really sure what was truth or lies.
He would take my phone so I didn’t have a connection to the outside world. He controlled me through drug use, but he also abused me physically during fights: he pulled my hair, hit and choked me. The violence ran the gamut. However, it’s the emotional scars that will take the longest to heal.
He laughed at me. He made fun of me when we were alone and even in front of others. I mean, I look back now at all the crazy. I mean it just baffles my mind that somebody that claims they love you can make fun of you, ridicule you and humiliate you, call you names and then say they’ve done nothing wrong.
I tried to leave him several times, only to come back because I wasn’t sure I could survive on my own. I know I let that happen, but I was just in that mindset. He had beaten me down so much, I just thought that was the way it was. He’s a master manipulator.
It took a physical fight at a hotel in Kansas City and police involvement to make me realize what many other women in similar situations often can’t: I was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out to break out of a destructive cycle.
Now clean after seeking treatment at a facility in Boonville and with help from my mother and North Star, I can see exactly what he was doing. He was working to separate me from myself, to make me question everything and keep me afraid.
If you’re scared or cornered, get out. Get out sooner, don’t wait. I kept thinking and hoping that it would get better. It doesn’t get better. Don’t stay scared. You can control your life. You can make good decisions. Start with talking to someone at North Star. They can help.
They opened up their home to me. I am so grateful. It’s been wonderful, because I kind of got myself back a little. Now that I’ve reached out for help, I’m gradually getting better.
And you can too.
Help is available
No matter if fleeing a destructive, abusive relationship or seeking help in a crisis, many local women, men and children have found themselves in need of the services provided at the North Star Advocacy Center.
Last year alone, the center helped 321 clients — 263 women, 21 men and 37 children — through crisis interventions, case management, court advocacy, a bed for a night, support groups, hotline calls, hospital advocacy, therapy and more, according to figures from the center.
For immediate help from someone at North Star, call the local 24-hour hotline at 660-562-2320 or toll free at 866-382-7867.
How to help North Star
Whether looking for a way to help during October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, or any other month of the year, there are several ways to help North Star assist people in crisis.
Cindy Lemar, is a victim advocate and donations coordinator for the nonprofit. She told The Forum last week that the nonprofit helps people get back up on their feet and it can take a lot to help someone get their own place. North Star staff help clients establish new homes by distributing furniture and supplies for them to safely create a space of their own.
That can take a lot of work and effort, Lemar said. North Star recently received a donation of a lot of utensils and dishware, so what is most helpful right now are gift cards. She said $5 or $10 gift cards can really help clients who need to get gas or pick up necessary items and prescriptions at Hy-Vee or Walmart.
“I have a client that is potentially moving next week and she needs a broom and a dustpan, which for us is a simple thing, but for somebody starting over who has nothing, that’s not a simple thing,” Lemar said.
To find a list of items regularly needed by the nonprofit, visit northstarac.org/our-wish-list. The organization asks that before anyone bring a donation, that they call ahead at 660-562-2320.
