Jason Offutt

Jason Offutt

Missouri politicians, often seen outside the Midwest as a collection of troglodytes in poorly-fitted suits, have consistently tried to back the state out of the 21st Century.

Some people are into that sort of thing. Like those in the town of Buckner who can’t burn yard waste on Sundays, Columbia where clotheslines are banned and St. Louis where a person can’t sit on the curb and drink beer out of a bucket. What good is beer if you can’t sit on the curb and drink it out of a bucket?

But the friendly troglodytes down at the state capital have taken a big step out of today and back to around 800 A.D. with the “Jedi Disposal Act” that allows for outdoor cremations, just like in the “Star Wars” movies.

This gives family barbecues a slightly different meaning, unless, of course, you’re a member of my family.

Kansas City Democrat Sen. Jason Holsman proposed the act because he obviously didn’t have anything better to do.

Scratch that.

Kansas City Democrat Sen. Jason Holsman proposed the act because of history.

“This is the way that our ancestors took care of their remains,” Holsman told The Kansas City Star. “The Native Americans did it in trees. The Vikings did it in boats. Outdoor cremation has been around many cultures forever.”

I’m going to take that quote completely out of context and claim Holsman said Native Americans put people in trees and set them on fire, which they didn’t.

The bill went through the general assembly almost unopposed and is awaiting the governor’s signature. 

If the bill passes I’m changing my will to require a Viking funeral where my loved ones put me on a burning boat and send me adrift clutching a sword. That would be bitchen.

Missouri isn’t the only place in the world with odd politicians. The northern Norwegian island of Sommarøy recently voted to do away with time.

Sommarøy is located so far north, starting May 18 each year the sun doesn’t set for 69 days.

“There’s constantly daylight and we act accordingly,” resident Kjell Ove Hveding told CNN. “In the middle of the night ... you can spot children playing soccer, people painting their houses or mowing their lawns, and teens going for a swim.”

If the Norwegian parliament approves Sommarøy’s request, the island will open businesses, send children to school, eat lunch and probably perform Viking funerals, you know, like, whenever.

I wonder what analog watches look like on Sommarøy. Do they not have hands?

Then there’s Libertarian Adam Kokesh who’s running for United States president in the 2020 election. Kokesh has one item on his agenda.

“The platform is simple,” Kokesh wrote on his campaign website. “When elected, I will swear in, walk to the White House, and sign one executive order. This executive order will lay out the process for dissolving the federal government in a peaceful, orderly manner. With it, I will be resigning as President to become ‘Custodian of the Federal Government’.” 

Custodian of the federal government? Can you imagine the size of this guy’s mop bucket? I am so voting for him.

Jason’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters: 251 Creatures, Cryptids, and Hairy Beasts,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.