Jason Offutt

Jason Offutt

The only thing I remember learning from my trip to the FBI building in Washington, D.C., when I was 12 is that a person had to have all their fingers to be an agent. I had all my fingers, so I was happy that, much like being the captain of the USS Enterprise or a fireman, this future employment option was open to me.

It only took a few years for me to understand being a firefighter wasn’t in my future. They run into burning buildings, and I hate to run.

So, when I stumbled across the internet quiz, “Could you pass the FBI entrance exam?” I clicked on the link, partially because an urgent red arrow said “click on this link” and I, like most Americans, do whatever the internet tells me, but mostly because I was sitting and didn’t feel like getting up.

God bless the internet for providing all answers to all questions, like which political candidate is a lizard person and if I could work for a top secret law enforcement organization that investigates UFOs like on TV.

The quiz consisted of questions. Plural. That seemed a bit excessive, but for a childhood dream, I had to see this through. It wasn’t like that time I promised Mom I’d clean my closet then played video games instead. That was, I don’t know, 43 years ago, or something.

Sorry, Mom. I wish I would have finished while you were still alive.

Anyway, things I discovered about the FBI while taking the quiz:

• The FBI academy is in Quantico, Virginia. I’d always thought Quantico was one of those warehouse club stores that sells everything in bulk. Hmm. Who knew.

• Apparently, when someone is fidgety, it means they’re probably lying, although I contend my answer, “they have eczema,” should have gotten partial credit.

• I learned whoever wrote this quiz needs to work on sentence construction. For example, “You walk into a room with a dead body and a guy who’s scared and holding a knife. What do you do?” I answered, “Stop watching ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.”

• An FBI agent isn’t supposed to throw things when angry, most probably because things within that agent’s reach will be: 1) a gun, 2) evidence, 3) a suspect, 4) their partner’s lunch.

• It’s important to know the following: the difference between a Glock 22 and Glock 23, the difference between a good guy and a bad guy, and the difference between a little gray alien from Andromeda and a little gray alien from Zeta Reticuli.

• An FBI agent needs at least a bachelor’s degree, good eyesight and should be between the ages of 23 and 37.

Geez, I’m failing so far. I’ll make it up on the home stretch.

• “If someone threw you a surprise party, would you like it?” I would, they wouldn’t.

• All agents must be able to run more than a mile.

This is a stupid quiz anyway. No firefighting or FBIing for me, but I guess captain of the Enterprise is still on the table as a career option. Warp factor two, Mr. Sulu.

Jason’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters: 251 Creatures, Cryptids, and Hairy Beasts,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.


(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.

Thank you for Reading!

Please log in, or sign up for a new account and purchase a subscription to read or post comments.