Jason Offutt

Jason Offutt

The only thing I remember learning from my trip to the FBI building in Washington, D.C., when I was 12 is that a person had to have all their fingers to be an agent. I had all my fingers, so I was happy that, much like being the captain of the USS Enterprise or a fireman, this future employment option was open to me.

It only took a few years for me to understand being a firefighter wasn’t in my future. They run into burning buildings, and I hate to run.

So, when I stumbled across the internet quiz, “Could you pass the FBI entrance exam?” I clicked on the link, partially because an urgent red arrow said “click on this link” and I, like most Americans, do whatever the internet tells me, but mostly because I was sitting and didn’t feel like getting up.

God bless the internet for providing all answers to all questions, like which political candidate is a lizard person and if I could work for a top secret law enforcement organization that investigates UFOs like on TV.

The quiz consisted of questions. Plural. That seemed a bit excessive, but for a childhood dream, I had to see this through. It wasn’t like that time I promised Mom I’d clean my closet then played video games instead. That was, I don’t know, 43 years ago, or something.

Sorry, Mom. I wish I would have finished while you were still alive.

Anyway, things I discovered about the FBI while taking the quiz:

• The FBI academy is in Quantico, Virginia. I’d always thought Quantico was one of those warehouse club stores that sells everything in bulk. Hmm. Who knew.

• Apparently, when someone is fidgety, it means they’re probably lying, although I contend my answer, “they have eczema,” should have gotten partial credit.

• I learned whoever wrote this quiz needs to work on sentence construction. For example, “You walk into a room with a dead body and a guy who’s scared and holding a knife. What do you do?” I answered, “Stop watching ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.”

• An FBI agent isn’t supposed to throw things when angry, most probably because things within that agent’s reach will be: 1) a gun, 2) evidence, 3) a suspect, 4) their partner’s lunch.

• It’s important to know the following: the difference between a Glock 22 and Glock 23, the difference between a good guy and a bad guy, and the difference between a little gray alien from Andromeda and a little gray alien from Zeta Reticuli.

• An FBI agent needs at least a bachelor’s degree, good eyesight and should be between the ages of 23 and 37.

Geez, I’m failing so far. I’ll make it up on the home stretch.

• “If someone threw you a surprise party, would you like it?” I would, they wouldn’t.

• All agents must be able to run more than a mile.

This is a stupid quiz anyway. No firefighting or FBIing for me, but I guess captain of the Enterprise is still on the table as a career option. Warp factor two, Mr. Sulu.

Jason’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters: 251 Creatures, Cryptids, and Hairy Beasts,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.

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